Body Painting Women Isurance

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife..

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.

The husban d didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't fucking going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'

So he stayed home.....................and, they lived happily ever after.


Now, isn't that a sweet story?


Doodle's Dawdle by Alastair Montgomery

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An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..
She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian. '


Doodle's Dawdle by Alastair Montgomery

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I went to a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol. 

I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc.

From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu.

This debilitating condition is very serious - and it appears this is not an isolated case.

Reports are flooding in from all around the country of others diagnosed with Wine Flu. To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down.

However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately rent a DVD and take some Advil (Advil seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu). Others are reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases. If not, then further application of the original liquid, in similar quantities to the original dose, has been shown to do the trick.

Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period.

Cheers!


NOTE
If you find you are complaining a lot, it may be that it has mutated into Whine Flu. This is particularly common in men and can quickly spread to their partners where the symptoms are detected as a serious case of eye-rolling.

Doodle's Dawdle by Alastair Montgomery

Frank Hunting...


Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travel led up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices.


Either I maul you to death or we have sex.' After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.

So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.


This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank.

That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex.'

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder.

He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.


The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'

Doodle's Dawdle by Alastair Montgomery

Hunt'n Trip with the Boys

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming bird hunting trip.  Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.  After a lot of teasing 

T'S A PURE DEAD GIVE-AWAY THAT YOU'RE SCOTTISH IF :-


1. You consider scattered showers with outbreaks of sunshine is good weather

2. The only sausage you like is square

3. You have been forced to do Scottish country dancing every year at secondary school

4. You have a wide vocabulary of Scottish words such as numpty, aye, aye right, auldjin, baltic...

5. You destroyed your teeth when you were young using Buchanan's toffee, Wham bars, Penny Dainties, MB Bars, Cola Cubes etc

6. You have an enormous feeling of dread whenever Scotland play a 'numpty' team like the Faroe Islands

7. You happily engage in a conversation about the weather with someone you've never met before

8. Even if you normally hate the Proclaimers, Runrig, Caledonia , Deacon Blue and Big Country, you still love it when you're in a club abroad and they play something Scottish

9. You used to watch Glen Michael's Cavalcade on a Sunday afternoon with his side kick Lamp Paladin

10.. You got Oor Wullie and The Broons annuals at Xmas

11. You can tell where another Scot is from by their accent - "Awright, pal, gonnae gies a wee swatch oa yur Sun ? Cheers, magic pal." Or "Fit ya bin up tae ? Fair few quines in the nicht, eh ?", etc

12. You see cops and hear someone shout 'Errapolis'

13. You have participated in or watched people having a 'square go'

14. You know that when someone asks you what school you went to they only want to know if you are catholic or protestant

15. You have eaten lots and lots of random Scottish food like mince 'n tatties, Tunnock's Caramel Logs, oat cakes, haggis, Cullen skink, Lees Macaroon Bars, etc

16. A jakey has asked you for money

17. You think nothing of waiting expectantly for your 1p change from a shop keeper

18. You know the right response to 'Ye dancing ?' is 'Y'askin ?' followed by 'Ahm askin' and finally 'Then ahm dancin'

19. Whenever you see sawdust it reminds you of pools of vomit as that's what the jannies used to chuck on it at school

20. You lose all respect for a groom who doesn't wear a kilt

21. You don't do shopping.... You 'go the messages'

22. You're sitting on the train or bus and a drunk man sits next to you telling you a joke - and asking 'Ahm no annoying ye ahm a?' and you respond 'Naw, not at a', yer fine. This is ma stoap, but'

23. You can have an entire phone conversation using only the words 'awright', 'aye' and 'naw'

24. You have experienced peer pressure to have an alcoholic drink when out - regardless of the circumstances

25. You know that ye cannae fling yer pieces oot a 20 storey flat, and that seven hundred hungry weans'll testify tae that.
Furthermore you're sure that if it's butter, cheese or jeely, or if the breid is plain or pan, the odds against it reaching earth are 99 tae wan

26. You know that going to a party at a friend's house involves bringing your own drink

27. Your holiday abroad is ruined if you hear there is a heatwave in Scotland while you're away

28. Your national team goes 2-0 up again the Czechs in a qualifier in Prague and your mate says we'll end up losing 3-2 here and you think "Probably"

29. You can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, and Auchtermuchty

30. Your favourite pizza is deep fried and battered from the chippy

31. You're used to 4 seasons in one day

32. You can't pass a chip shop or kebab shop, without drooling, when you're drunk

33. You can fall about drunk without spilling your drink

34. You measure distance in minutes

35. You can understand Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like them in your own family

36. You go to Saltcoats because you think it's like being at the ocean

37. You can make a whole sentence out of just swear words

38. You know what haggis is made with and still eat it

39. Somebody you know used a football schedule to plan their wedding day date

40. You've been at a wedding where the footie results were read out

41. You aren't surprised to find curries, pizzas, kebabs, Irn Bru, nappies and fags all for sale in one shop

42. Your seaside holiday home has Calor gas under it

43. You know that Irn Bru is an infallible hangover cure

44. You understand all the above and are going to send it to your pals

45. And, finally, you are 100 per cent Scottish if you have ever used these terms - "How's it hingin'?", "clatty", "boggin",
"cludgie", "dreich", "bampot", "bawheid", "baw bag" and "dubble nugget".

Doodle's Dawdle by Alastair Montgomery

How to Make a Woman Happy


It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:




1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes








HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring food

Doodle's Dawdle by Alastair Montgomery

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year
old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to
come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little shit.
Doodle's Dawdle by Alastair Montgomery

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Interesting Fact -

The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the other brain is also important!!


Doodle's Dawdle by Alastair Montgomery

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One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a Cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. ? When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

-------------------------------------------

My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"

I replied "Dust"

And that's how the fight started.

-------------------------------------------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.

'The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.

-------------------------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.

-------------------------------------------

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's how the fight started.

-------------------------------------------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's how the fight started.

-------------------------------------------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's how the fight started.

-------------------------------------------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started


Doodle's Dawdle by Alastair Montgomery

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The Obedient Wife

There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, & was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife,"When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

"Wait just a moment!"

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"

"I sure did," said the wife.

"I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a Cheque.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

Doodle's Dawdle by Alastair Montgomery

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't Use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want You to Use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed Playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us Today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen.'


Doodle's Dawdle by Alastair Montgomery

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It was entertainment night at the old people's home.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations'.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

'SH*T' said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the old people's home.



An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits, freshly baked.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in crumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.............

'F**k off' she said, ‘they’re for the funeral.............'



Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'

A : Sparrow
B: Thrush
C: Magpie
D: Cuckoo

I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin '. Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

'****** hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'm ****** sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'

'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris

'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?

'Because he lives in a ****** clock!'


A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.'


A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years,the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.The patrons chant'Take another drink!'
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay.Swoosh! Plip! Plop!!Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left, then staggers to the right through the front door into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says: "He should've quit while he was a head!"


Doodle's Dawdle by Alastair Montgomery
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An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the....'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes..

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the F*ck would you have said?'

Doodle's Dawdle by Alastair Montgomery
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I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a
bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!
He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster



Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her
head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they
journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy
Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake .



Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a
hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms
What a fabulous adventure!



Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto
the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile
and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'



Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total
realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f*cking tw*t !!!'



The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still
gonna get it wrong.....


Doodle's Dawdle by Alastair Montgomery
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A man charged into a Glasgow bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a hand gun.

'This is a raid' he shouted.

'Everyone get on the floor. NOW!'

He then ransacked the cash drawer, stuffing bundles of notes into his holdall.

As he ran towards the exit with the cash, one brave customer stood up and tried to stop him, yanking of his balaclava in the process.

The robber shook himself free and shot the customer stone dead.

'Now did anybody else see ma face?' he yelled.

The robber noticed another customer peering from behind a counter. Quick as a flash, he strode over and shot him.

'Is there anybody else that saw ma face? he yelled, waving his gun around.

There was a silence for a few seconds before a male voice was heard from a distant corner........



'I think ma missus caught a wee glimpse o' you....'


Doodle's Dawdle by Alastair Montgomery
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